Felix comment pieces 2008/09

The Ascension of our Lord


The following are extracts from the recently-translated Book of Obama, a religious text dating from the early 21st Century. Possible errors in translation are not to be attributed to this publication. 

1:1. And lo, on the forty-third day, the Saviour of Men came unto his people. And the praise and exultation poured forth as the mighty ocean waves pound against the shore, or as the cold winds of January bite shrewdly at those for whom no earmuffs have been provided.

1:2. “We are your people,” shouted the multitude, “for yours is the power, and the glory, and the life everlasting.” “Woohoo”, came the cry from the back of the crowd and from isolated pockets near the front. And the throats of the people went hoarse with the intensity of their delight, and they were reduced to waving small oblong pieces of cloth on sticks to indicate their jubilation.

1:3. And the Saviour emerged onto the balcony of the temple, where but lately he had stood waging battle with nonbelievers from both sides of the aisle. His gait was purposeful and his frame was elegant, and as he walked tall at the side of his wife the thoughts of the masses remembered how much more attractive she was than those who had come before her, and how pretty she looked in that golden dress with the fabulous matching coat and the divine dark green gloves which so many women thought were daring and yet so becoming at the same time, weren’t they just?

1:4. And as the chosen couple advanced to their seats, there was much waving and flashing of teeth, and the raucous joy of the people was transmitted to television sets all over the world, in the attempt to make the Ascension of our Lord a truly family-friendly event.

3:8. “What is your name, old man?” asked the Saviour of Men of the man to his left.

“I am George, son of George; for ten generations in this land of the house of Bush.”

“Ah,” quoth the Chosen One: “truly, for I have seen your effigies – there is indeed great wonder to be found in the sight of a burning Bush.”

And the people did groan loudly as ones affected by pain, and yet laughed in spite of themselves with the laughter of the faithful. “Truly,” shouted a lone voice from the congregation, through tears of mirth and of suffering, “His wisecracks are as cheap oil over troubled waters, and his puns sparkle like the stars in a sky free of excess carbon dioxide, acidic pollutants or smog.”

“Yea,” chanted the masses, “we are indeed blessed.”

4:3. And He regaled them with his exploits among the Pharisees and the moneylenders in their golden temples on Wall Street. How he made them overturn their own trading tables and run, panicked, out of their houses of sin and extravagance.

“Tell us, O great one,” the people cried in astonishment, “how did one man accomplish such a feat?”

“I stood among them, and in front of their eyes transformed a live bull into the stuffed carcass of a bear.” And the people saw in him the innocence of a child, but not in a racist way, of course, that goes without saying.

5:6. At the Capitol did he deliver the Sermon on the Hill, which poured forth with words both soothing and invigorating, both calm and watchful, both peaceful and redolent with power.Albert. “Blessed are the meek, for they will be too timid to enter the long and tiring legal procedure needed to establish that they are the ones next in line to inherit the Earth. 

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”

5:7. At this, a great wind roared over the assembly, which sent forth chills into the hearts of men, whatever their skin colour, gender and sexual orientation might have been. And the Saviour of Men looked over at George, son of George, and delivered unto the people his well-worn message:

“Change we needeth. Can we accomplish such a feat?” And the voice of the people returned as one:

“Verily we may!”

7:5 And the Messiah turned unto his friend Joseph, and did purge him of the Vice which was to have been fixed to his name forever more, and looked upon him with devotion.

7:8: “And what say you unto Hillary?” Asked Joseph. “Come forth, Hillary.” And Hillary stepped forward and was embraced by the Messiah as having seen the light and renounced the ways of darkness she had hitherto followed. “And what words have you for Rahm?” Enquired Joseph. “Step forward, Rahm.” And Rahm advanced unto his Master and was accepted as among the chosen, to stay at the right arm of the Saviour until disaster, old age, or bad publicity brought on by his uncontrollable temper would drive them apart.

9:11: And the voice of the Saviour of Men rang out loud and clear in the icy stillness of the morning. “The reign of Satan is ended. Get thee behind me, Satan.”

9.12: And the people did cheer him with the name he had taken as a mortal, and repeated the name of Obama as the Saviour of Men ascended to the Great White House.


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