How Holmes and Watson came together

Homoerotic undertones? Homoerotic undertones?! You must be mad. No, the Sherlock Holmes stories are just the wholesome adventures of two confirmed bachelors who live together and go about the country wantonly ejaculating left, right and centre. What sort of depraved filth-merchant could possibly think otherwise?

Here, courtesy of the HTML canon and a highly-developed propensity for innuendo, is a definitive ranking of Holmes’ and Watson’s many and varied ejaculations.

19. Well, really, Watson, let’s not peak too early.


A Study in Scarlet

 18. “Watson, that ejaculation was uncalled for. Now go and sit in the corner until you’ve learned your lesson.”

3 - sign of four

The Sign of the Four

17. It really feels like Dr Watson should seek medical assistance at this point.

6 - Boscombe Valley mystery

 The Boscombe Valley Mystery

16. Satisfaction, pride, confusion – is there no emotion Dr Watson will not grace with a hearty ejaculation?

10 - copper breeches

The Adventure of the Copper Beeches

15. In which the sight of two men in the doorway causes Holmes to ejaculate with impatience.

12 - Empty House

The Adventure of the Empty House

 14. This is a neat trick if you can do it.

13 - Charles Augustus Milverton

The Adventure of Charles Augustus Milverton

13. A decent-sized ejaculation here from Dr Watson as Holmes advocates putting on overcoats and galoshes.

14 - Golden Pince-nez

The Adventure of the Golden Pince-nez

12. More impatient ejaculating from our deerstalkered hero.

15 - Golden Pince-nez

The Adventure of the Golden Pince-nez

11. Watson’s hair trigger is rapidly proving embarrassing.

 17 - Valley of Fear

The Valley of Fear

10. Oh yeah, it was that second reading that really did it.

5 - redheaded league

 The Adventure of the Red-headed League

9. Oh God, tell me more about that blue carbuncle. Like, all about its size and shape and how much it costs. Mmm. And now do it again, but slower.

8 - blue carbuncle

The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle

8. In which Watson has a rare old time imagining steady, respectable, middle-aged former sergeants.


A Study in Scarlet

7. A classic here, from SH, after a bracket suddenly engages his attention.

16 - Abbey grange

The Adventure of the Abbey Grange

6. In which Dr Watson ejaculates upon learning of an unknown man in the rear.

11 - Resident patient

The Adventure of the Resident Patient

5. “Ah yes, dear old Watson. Capable of the most miraculously expressive ejaculations I believe I have ever seen.”

19 - Blanched Soldier

The Adventure of the Blanched Soldier

4. For a medical man, Watson appears to have a surprisingly confused grasp of male anatomy.

4 - sign of four

The Sign of Four

3. Don’t you hate it when a sudden ejaculation causes you to wake up and your heap of shag is all gone?

7 - man with the twisted lip

The Man with the Twisted Lip

2. Where we find out how Holmes reacts to having huge men in his aperture.

9 - speckled band

The Adventure of the Speckled Band

1. And finally the one we’ve all been waiting for, from the 1910 short story The Adventure of the Devil’s Foot, in which Sherlock Holmes fires multiple ejaculations out the window before rushing outside and rubbing his face in the lawn below.

18 - Devil's Foot

The Adventure of the Devil’s Foot

And if that isn’t good, clean, wholesome fun then I don’t know what is.


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