Noah and the flood

Any resemblance to any individuals living or dead is entirely deliberate and some would say in fact central to the function of satire.

And the Lord said unto Noah I shall bring about a great flood. And Noah said Hold on, is this God? And the Lord confirmed that it was He.
God? said Noah. Let me tell you, you’re doing a terrific job. Just terrific. I think you’re someone who’s being recognised more and more all the time, and I have to say, we’ve made you pretty famous down here, almost as famous as me.
And the Lord said unto Noah, Yes well thanks I guess, but about this flood.
And Noah nodded and said These leaks are terrible, aren’t they, just a terrible thing, and I’ll be looking into who’s responsible and I’ll get back to you.
Yes well the thing is, said the Lord, I will cause there to be a great flood, you see, for the Earth is corrupt and full of violence.
I know, said Noah, Isn’t it great?
The Earth is full of sinners, said the Lord, raising his voice the merest trifle, as the heavens cracked behind him. It needs to be cleansed. The human race, for which I had such hopes, has become abject and deplorable.
What do you mean, deplorable? Said Noah They’re great. Great people. I love them. And they love me. Except for the Nephilim, but they’re just sore losers. They come over here and sell us amulets, ripping us off, tearing down our statues, but we’ll change all that. We’ll Make Antediluvia Great Again. Want a hat?
You have no time to lose, said the Lord, impatiently accepting Noah’s offering. The people of Earth have brought it upon themselves with their irresponsible actions, and will be made to pay. I shall bring about such a smiting as will never be forgotten in all the ages of man.
Give me a break with the smiting, said Noah.
I’m sorry? Said the Lord.
I mean smiting, come on, said Noah. There’s no such thing. Everyone knows that’s just a hoax invented by the Nephilim in order to come over here and sell more amulets.
I am the Lord your God, thundered the Almighty. I do not care about the Nephilim and their sodding amulets. And I am telling you here and now in no uncertain terms that I am about to smite all of your kind and wipe them from the face of the Earth.
Get a load of this guy, said Noah, to nobody in particular. Tell me, God, if smiting is real, how come nice things still happen to some people in some places some of the time?
Well, no nice things will happen to anybody for quite some time, said the Lord, So that should help clear up any confusion.
Was there anything else you wanted? Noah asked. Only I was hoping to squeeze another round of golf in before lunch.
No hi Noah this is me, said the Lord, The entity responsible for the imminent cataclysmic deluge, telling you exactly why it’s about to happen and what you can do to survive it and prevent it happening again.
Great stuff, said Noah. Put it in a memo. But do me a favour and don’t call it smiting. I’ll never sell that to my base. Fore!
Listen, said the Lord, a steely note creeping into his dreadful voice. If you don’t take this seriously everybody you know and care about will die.
What about my children? asked Noah, changing the subject. Will they be spared? What about Ham and Shem and Japheth and Noah Jr?
Only the righteous among your people may be saved, said the Lord.
Ah well, said Noah, I guess that’s the end of the line for Noah Jr.
You must build an ark, said the Lord, as the first heavy drops began to stain the golden sand. And the ark should be 300 cubits long by 50 cubits wide, said the Lord.
Cubits? Who heard about cubits. Let me tell you, nobody ever heard about cubits until just now, ok, and let me tell you something, we’re going to build a great big ark. It’s going to be beautiful and we’re going to make the Nephilim pay for it, with all the money they make from their lousy amulets.
Forget about the Nephilim, cried the Lord of Hosts, as the skies split with lightning. You must build the great ark yourself. And quickly.
Out of cypress wood?
If you want. It doesn’t really matter. Pick whatever construction materials you like, so long as it floats.
My son-in-law has a concession on cypress, I’ll pick that. And I’ll put my name on the front, in gold. Noah’s Ark, I’ll call it. It’ll be so classy, just the classiest thing you’ve ever seen in your life, just my family and me.
And don’t forget, said the Lord, to let the animals on to your ark, two by two.
I’m sorry?
The animals, let them onto your ark two by two.
What do you mean the animals?
Of every beast that walks in the field and every bird that flies in the air, said the Lord, one male and one female.
Why would I do that, said Noah.
You must do what I say, said the Lord. For so it has been written in my covenant with Abraham who came before you.
Well that was a stupid deal, said Noah. I wouldn’t have made that deal, and let me tell you we’ll be considering how to withdraw from it once we figure out just what the hell is going on.
All right, sighed the Lord, just do me a favour and take with you a raven and a dove, so that they may tell you when it is safe to return to land.
If it’s all right with you I’m just going to take the dove.
Why, what’s wrong with the raven?
Ravens have been very tweeting some very mean things about me, said Noah, and they lie all the time and they make things up. In my day, you didn’t have to let a raven into your ark if you didn’t want to.
I wonder, mused the Lord aloud, whether I was right to come to you after all.
What do you mean, said Noah, I got a big win in the electoral college. Just take a look at these cuneiform tablets.
Not just now, said the Lord, as the rain began to increase in ferocity. I’m off to see some Nephilim about an amulet.

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