My girlfriend is a geotechnical engineer. Which means, in brief, that she tells the ground what to do. This is no easy task. The ground, you see, is used to getting its own way. A bed of limestone that has spent many happy centuries as a bed of limestone would like to carry on being … Continue reading Sentimental baggage
Flemicium (Fc) The elusive structure of this radioactive element was first discovered by August Kekulé in 1887, shortly after he awoke from a dream in which he saw two snakes eating an antelope wearing a hat the size of Mount Rushmore. After making a trip to the kitchen to dispose of the rind of over-ripe goat's … Continue reading Lesser-known Elements of the Periodic Table
Dear Diederik, Thank you again for your hospitality during my stay in Amsterdam; it almost makes me feel sorry to be back in London. I’m sad to say that the tulip bulbs you were kind enough to give me did not make it through customs, as I was suspected of using them to smuggle in anti-government … Continue reading Marvell Comics
Sudan had never wanted to be the last male of his species. As children they'd always known one of them might have to shoulder the responsibility - the perils of being a slow-moving animal in a world of armour-piercing bullets - but he'd always assumed the burden would fall to one of the others. Roger, … Continue reading The Last Rhinoceros
Homoerotic undertones? Homoerotic undertones?! You must be mad. No, the Sherlock Holmes stories are just the wholesome adventures of two confirmed bachelors who live together and go about the country wantonly ejaculating left, right and centre. What sort of depraved filth-merchant could possibly think otherwise? Here, courtesy of the HTML canon and a highly-developed propensity for innuendo, is a definitive ranking of Holmes' and … Continue reading How Holmes and Watson came together
PROFILE: THE KING'S JESTER by Helena Handcart I have arranged with Yorick's PA to meet him at the Nunnery, a popular vegetarian tapas bar on the outskirts of Copenhagen. The owners market it as the best place in Denmark to see and be seen, owing to their monopoly on candles. The choice of venue surprises me. … Continue reading Alas, poor Yorick. I interviewed him, Horatio.
Welcome to Supercilious Manor, where the jokes are recycled, the accents outlandish and the breakfast impossible to digest. The result of a stifling afternoon indoors with far too much else to do.
My wife and I have been together for ten years now, which isn't that impressive when you consider it's two years less than the Germans stuck with Hitler. Still, that was their third reich and this is only our first marriage, so I'm cautiously optimistic. Today was actually the day of our ten-year anniversary, and … Continue reading Tintinabullation
As the documentary evidence makes quite clear, Herb Omelette was the first man to split the infinitive. He did it in 1897, two years before his closest rival Yevgeny Potemkin, a professional cigarette filter from Kiev. Potemkin claimed that what mattered wasn't who split it first but who split it furthest, and vowed to become … Continue reading I have somehow become Death, destroyer of words