My wife and I have been together for ten years now, which isn't that impressive when you consider it's two years less than the Germans stuck with Hitler. Still, that was their third reich and this is only our first marriage, so I'm cautiously optimistic. Today was actually the day of our ten-year anniversary, and … Continue reading Tintinabullation
As the documentary evidence makes quite clear, Herb Omelette was the first man to split the infinitive. He did it in 1897, two years before his closest rival Yevgeny Potemkin, a professional cigarette filter from Kiev. Potemkin claimed that what mattered wasn't who split it first but who split it furthest, and vowed to become … Continue reading I have somehow become Death, destroyer of words
The following appears to be an extract from a recent interview with Berengaria Hodgkiss, the noted socialite, golf enthusiast and hubcap collector who was mysteriously granted entrée to Hitler's private circle in the 1930s and 40s. Although the full text of the interview has yet to be found, the below offers a tantalising glimpse into … Continue reading A La Recherche des Dents Perdues
I don't understand all the fuss that's been made over the announcement of the new Doctor Who. Or rather, I do, but at the moment I'm pretending not to for stylistic reasons. Bear with me; this sudden change of face may seem irritating at first but I'm sure you'd whoop and cheer after another eleven. … Continue reading Doctor When
So there I was, just minding my own business on the tube,* when I saw the below,* That's a lie - I was reading through the Evening Standard, which as actions go is probably as close to minding other people's business as it is legally acceptable to get. I was on the tube though.which, as … Continue reading First Direct. Then, when that doesn’t work, Pretty Opaque.
One of the perks of travelling on the Underground - assuming that body odour and awkward eye contact just don't do it for you - is the range of advertising on display. Shiny new mobile phone contracts, exotic travel destinations and distinctly creepy dating websites all fight for your attention, each desperate to land the … Continue reading Oh yes, we’re unexpected all right. You can bank on it.
There are times I can't help feeling rather sorry for Oxford. I mean, put yourself in its shoes. Not that a university can properly be said to have shoes, of course, but for God's sake play along and stop causing trouble. Go put yourself in a pair of Oxford brogues if it'll make you feel … Continue reading I Got Those Oxford Blues
So here's a thing - I've just discovered my new favourite verse form. It's called the double dactyl, and I was thrown under the wheels of this particular poetical omnibus while following the tracks of noted Clerihovian Sam Wong. There are rules galore, but as with most things apart from keyhole surgery and flower arranging it is … Continue reading The Curious Case of the Double Dactyls and the Wasted Time
We are all of us, I think, familiar with the image of the benevolently patronising uncle. I know I am, having filled the role to glowing acclaim in three separate productions of nieces and two moving renditions of nephews.In the early days of the run, I should say, the audience was not particularly difficult to … Continue reading What the Uncle Saw